3 poems by Catfish McDaris

Punk Noir Magazine

Falling Asleep During a Piss Test



Sniper waited and waited, his coffee 

tasted like burnt charcoal and bones


Valentina had a routine appointment

finally she exited the medical building 


She explained her delay, three nurses 

tried to get a man out of the bathroom 


The door wouldn't open, even with a key

he finally crawled over and opened it


He was on the floor, the nurses asked if 

he’d fainted, he said no, he was taking 


Care of business, the next thing he knew 

was lying on the floor asleep.






The Crooked Nose 



Valentina went to the store, she had 

some items in her cart, she got behind 

an older man, there weren’t many 


Clerks or she would’ve changed lines,

she thought the man had a bad case of 

BO, it was some serious stank


The man kept turning around, looking 

at her, they both wore masks, finally he 

paid and left the store, but the stench 


Didn’t follow him, that’s when Sniper

reached under her cart he discovered a 

bag of potatoes it had 3 rotten ones in it 


So, all the time she thought the man 

was stinky, he thought she was stinky,

Sniper just grinned like a Cheshire Cat.





The Bird Lady



Valentina came out of the store laughing her ass off. 

“What’s so funny?” Sniper asked her.

“You would never believe what the bagger lady told me. She said,

‘She dozed off on a park bench and a wild turkey started rubbing

against her leg, like it was a cat that wanted its neck stroked. Then, 

some herons flew near and sang a little song and did a birdy dance.

While they chirped and tweeted, a park ranger was leading a group

of tourists that stopped and took pictures. He offered the bagger a

a job, she said she’d take it under advisement. She walked over to

another bench near a pond, a duck family was swimming about. The

mallard had a green head, his mate was brown and gray. Their eight

baby ducklings swam right up to the shore. The lady picked up each 

baby and nuzzled it against her cheek and gave them all a name. The

parents seemed to give a duck smile.’” Sniper was finding this tall

tale of feathered creatures, smelling of bull manure. Just then the Red

Hot Chili Peppers song Blood Sugar Sex Magik came on the radio.







Catfish McDaris has been in many magazines, books, and broadsides. He’s a 30-year small press and 3-year Army artillery veteran, from Albuquerque and Milwaukee. He works in a wig store in a dangerous neighborhood. Second day on the job, a lady dropped her purse and a loaded 357 safety off rolled out on the floor, pointed at him.